STOP SCREAMING!

actual cartoon version of me

Who do I present to the internet? The fun me, the intellectual me, the spiritual me, the I'm-all-those-things-at-once me? Who is the cartoon version of me and why do I need that?

The internet you is a cartoon version of you. Maybe your cartoon is a New Yorker kind of cartoon or maybe it's a Anime/pop culture super hero cartoon. Or, a Ready Player One video game avatar cartoon (also, if anyone wants to make a grown up version of that book into a movie, please call me). OR... or a Andy Warhol painting cartoon.  Whatever your genre, the internet highlights reel version of you is a fucking cartoon.

The fact that I can not escape this is driving me nuts. And that people are wholly blind and/or absorbed by this is freaking me out.

I don't want to be the cartoon version of me, but I still want to exist in this new world.

Everything internet is about manipulating the user down a path. Glitz and glam. Pretty magazines of information everywhere, connecting you to everything. Scroll! Scroll, SCROLL BITCH, SCROLL. Muhahahahah.

No, I didn't just figure this out. Until now, I accepted it, enjoyed it even. Then, I decided to accept it 150%: yes, market to me, listen to everything I say, because maybe you can curate decent content to me. Maybe you can show me local businesses that I, in return, feel self-righteous about supporting. Great! Feeling superior is exactly what I wanted.

Only, it ends up feeling like I'm wearing jeans that are way too fucking tight.

Because the fucking internet tells you what a super mo fo you are if you support local businesses. Now my super power is being a comfortable do-gooder... of shopping? 

It's all so painfully vacuous.

And every time I open my browser and visit a page that I think is going to entertain me - it feels like walking down a very noisy street of venders, artists, intellectuals, journalists, ignorant-people-shouting-their-opinions-and-making-me-judge-them,  people screaming at me.

They're all fucking screaming.

My computer and phone have become a portal into a vortex of screaming animals. All foaming at the mouth mad to get my attention. That's all I see and I can't un-see it.

I don't want to be political, intellectual, or beautiful. The internet is killing my desire.

Perhaps it's simply the difference of living in the city and then deciding the city is just too fast and too loud, so you move out to the country.

But if you don't know that your suffering from living in the city every time you open your fucking computer or phone then maybe you feel like you're going crazy and have lost control of your insides. And then the cartoon version of you is always attempting a take-over so that you can keep up the pace.

It's telling you that if you post a quote about being quiet and moving to the country, everything will be okay. Just make a country bumpkin cartoon version of you and everything. will. be. okay.

Reject progress and chill

When I searched for my bitmoji for country or bumpkin, there was no match. Cartoon me apologizes for this inadequacy.

Side note (because I'm totally judging my own drivel and want to beat you to the punch): Yeah, I know that a lot of people just aren't affected by this and simply turn off the internet. I guess, right now, I wish I was a bit more like them.

And! I know a million people have written the exact same bullshit as this and I'm late to this party. I'm just taking my turn.

Did you catch that that was cartoon me admonishing me-me for being a late blooming internet hater? It never ends.