Negative Space - A Christmas Story

I don't know where I stand right now. The world is turning at its normal pace but there's a duplicate version of it, that has a much shorter radius to me, that is moving very fast around me. It's dizzying.

Although I know very well what is happening around me, I don't know where I am exactly.

seems glum, donit? it gets better, I promise. 

Sure, my niece has just been introduced into my life which throws things upside down sideways. Sure, I just moved into a house with The Greek, it's official-official. Sure, most of my furniture doesn't fit in this house (is that a sign?), my life is changing even at a furniture level. And sure, we got a new VP of tech at work and my contribution is fairly (self) assessed at valuable knowledge:lack of experience.

But the deal, the real deal, is that it's fucking christmas (I just loathe capitalizing that word, I don't know why. Whatever).

I long for the magic of the story and this time. Nestled families, warm fires, warm food, celebration of love, giving fun things to each other, sharing... and magic.

Yay! Fake me!

The story of a person that swoops through the night and touches every life with the sweet glow of our true nature, and we all wake up feeling so present in the silence of winter with gifts that somebody loved us enough to know we would find small joys in. Pleasantries.

Lies... 

I don't care that it's not that way for some families, and that they all hate each other and every christmas is strangled by competing egos.

I don't want to see or hear those people.

I do care that while I attempt bliss with me and mine that there are people in countries that don't celebrate christmas in part because, you know, they're actually starving and fighting to stay alive in the hope that, what? They wont get raped, beaten, tortured, blown up, enslaved....  But should I feel guilty? Should I not do this winter celebration because the exact opposite exists somewhere else? As big as this question is, it's neither here nor there to my reasons of cognitive dissonance. How fucking "christmasy" is that for you?

somebody's Jesus forgive me

My reasons are still unknown. All I know is that there is a space between me and reality. A wholly selfish wade through the mire of self pity. I want to vomit. Every fucking christmas, I just want to vomit. Any day that is supposed to be "a day" which depends on me producing a magical realm in which to bathe my family in makes me want to vomit. Perhaps it's because I want it so bad. I want the magical realm to bathe me and mine in, as if I am the all good mother.

and here it is... enlightenment. you're welcome 

I'm trying to find the right society mask for the occasion, and the truth is that I do better being the one that shows up to these events, not the one that throws them.

All my problems cease to exist if I can be a lazy taker who just shows up with some excuse as to why I couldn't even be bothered to bring a bottle of wine for the table. Because that, my friends, is who I am. A lazy mother fucker who super enjoys the dinner someone else cooked and the presents they bought me.

This also allows me to be selfish in the time I take to craft the gifts I want to share with those I love enough to think I know what they might enjoy.

This also allows me to, once every five years or so, be genuinely festive and want to throw the dinner of great magnitude.

There is nothing deep and enlightening about any of this. My brain feverishly devours my soul looking for meaningful answers as to why I just. can't. accept. the. love. of christmas into my heart... and there isn't anything meaningful there at all.

I'm a better taker than a giver. I enjoy the warmth that others create. I probably wont help in the kitchen, and we know I'm not bringing wine (so please have enough so that I can imbibe fully), and, while we're at it,  I prefer trees decorated in that fake-natural, old-timey, country Santa (that I can capitalize)  kind of way, please. And, make sure your fire is roaring, I like to sit by it and not talk a lot.

By all memes, make it memeingful, copy and share. Make me famous. 

I feel better now.

I was ashamed of this truth, that was the negative space between me and reality. Ugh, thank god I found that. Now I can let go of the stupidity.

Fuck you all and I love you.